On limerence, drug-induced psychosis, and creativity

“I’m really scared of losing control.”

I’m perched on a blue couch at the Asian experience center on the edge of campus, and I’m talking to my friend, Luke.

What in my thoughts reflects this fear? Let’s see.. Well, the constant edginess and anxiety that creeps up on me when something good is going for me, when I feel good about myself and suddenly I get a feeling of dread, when I think about somebody and then feel a pang of guilt — I don’t want to lose control!

There, I said it. I. Don’t. Want. To. Lose. Control.

Let’s talk limerence.

Today I went down a little bit of a spiral. It started at a coffee shop. In my dim little corner by the side of a shaded alleyway. I sipped on the matcha I brought from home in my Stanley. I was having a really grounded day, and god forbid I ruin it because I had a nice moment— please.

Soon thereafter drinking the matcha, my caffeine spiked. Now, this would be okay if I had just let it pass over me. I also struggle with psychosis, so this was a treat (not a good concoction for my delusions of grandeur!)

Post 30 min after drinking my matcha, I was thinking about emailing my old psychology professor for coffee, starting a TED talk on perception, and about the various people that were in love with me. Why am I so afraid of losing control? Tell me more about it.

Oh, god, I can’t be here. This is not okay.

Get me back to that peaceful state in the morning, under the flowing trees… and drifting,…. browning leaves falling through the muted shade, slivers of sun lighting up patches in front of me.

So you must be wondering, how does limerence tie into all of this mumbo jumbo? I just thought it’d be a good place to start. I was thinking about this guy in my English class — I’ve been thinking about him on and off for the past few days. I got the dreaded pang of guilt. In due time, I’m on the internet searching for “limerence and art” for different perspectives to reframe the situation — yet another spiral.

There’s the doing yes, I’ve been taught, but the thinking, no, you’re on your own buddy. Your projections and insecurities always circle back on you.

But anyways, I’m on this site and I get some sudden spikes of inspiration. Psychotic break or spiritual realization? Either or, I’m in. I’d like to share with you:

Limerence motivates us. It is a raw form of love. It distinguishes us as motivated beings. We are motivated to go after the things we desire, the things we love, and make hella good art. It’s the feeling of being on edge that sends us into creativity, that really makes us question. Why are we here? It is through this uncertainty, through this striving, this struggle that we come into communion with ourselves. This can be expressed through writing, artistic expression, coding, whatever art form that resonates with you.

My uncertainty has always scared me. But finding this perspective in the midst of an anxiety spiral is immediately gratifying — how can I bring this into practice?

Here’s a mantra to try: The exhilaration and uncertainty of life, with a side of patience, breeds creativity.

My uncertainty doesn’t have to be scary. What is within you is all you are. You can’t find this outside of yourself, grasping and clinging onto your work, your status, food, for relief from the difficult growth of your psyche.

The feeling of being on edge, that is our effort to try to figure things out. We try, try, try to discern the world and make sense of it, and if we deal this uncertainty a plate of patience, we can transform our motivation into a drive to create, create, create..

This shouldn’t be scary, but it is. It’s that “scarcity mindset” we navigate our lives with. The fear of loneliness.

Let’s talk hallucinations.

We are all constantly hallucinating. For those who experience psychosis or any neurodivergent experience that makes you feel completely crazy at times, or that you have a complete different perception of reality from everyone else — this doesn’t make you crazy! In fact, this different way of seeing reality can lead you to becoming a creative genius. (Well, maybe not genius. Not everyone can be a genius.) But, on a lighter note, having to deal with neurodivergent experience requires novel ways of regulating your emotions and reframing your thoughts that can give space for unique and creative expression.

The TED talk I saw today had a phrase I really liked: “perception itself is a controlled hallucination.” We are always manipulating expectations to reconcile with the sensory inputs we are given. We are given dozens on dozens of possible sensory inputs, however, we expect certain things that cause us to land on one perception. Our perceptions and our realities are the same.

That is, there is no objective reality. We are the creators of our realities. See the difference there? The former radiates “F*** it we ball” energy which, helps nobody, and the latter radiates power and self-agency.

Professor Paul Fletcher says, “if our brain is active enough to resolve ambiguity, is it also active enough to create perception?”

This was wholly normalizing for me.

As someone who has struggled with drug-induced psychosis for the past year or so, when I am feeling down I always have a distant and bleak sense of loneliness and helplessness, a constant searching for the solution, and to hear this was to allow me to settle down into the normalcy of my experience.

We live our life craving certainty, yearning for it — THE answers — cue my 100th epiphany of the week, but what if the answer lies in the midst of the journey? What if that’s what we’re here for? To see ourselves from different angles each moment, each choice-path, to continue to learn about ourselves in this wholly human experience, and to make this messy, beautiful life into something even messier and more creative?

My friend told me today, the people who suffer most from this life also live the most beautiful experiences.

I’m a strong believer of this because I think that we all have the ability to see each other and ourselves in all our ambiguity and non-answerable questions. With each of our different and beautiful personalities, we are able to formulate the world in a way that makes sense for us. And with each formulation, we make space for creativity. We make space for the “reconstruction of humanity,” building upon the work of philosophers, artists, and scientists before us.

With this, with the beauty of limerence and uncontrollability, a toast to neurodivergent experiences that make you feel crazy, and the artless art of ambiguity.

What if we were allowed all the time in the world? What would you do for yourself this moment? What would you continue practicing everyday? How will you make room to express yourself in your full humanity, messiness and cracks and uncertainties and all? How will continue to nurture the patience so important for our growth in all the confusion?

featured image credit to "lucille" on pinterest